And oh, btw?

... Damon Salvatore wishes you a happy Valentine's Day too. [fans self madly, to no avail...]

Wishing you a Very Vampire Valentine's Day!

I'm kicking off this post with a special shout-out to Lost Rose, my Twitarded, secret gay lover *on the west coast*. Hold your horses there, JenniChicago, you'll always be my one true love... but even The Uptight Yankee calls Lost Rose my 'West Coast Jenni.' Truth.

What I mean to say is, I wouldn't be a Twilight fan without Lost Rose. I have had SO. MUCH. FUN. being Twitarded in her company. Words cannot explain. But photos can. Silly, weird, almost uncomfortably goofy photos could totally explain the situation. Photos like these, as a matter of fact...

Edward had always been a breast man...

YEAH, BABY!

This lace is scratchy... I don't think pink is my color.

Loving the view!

Does this satin rose make me look fat?

Annnnddddd here's the back story. Lost Rose and I are in possession - via shared custody - of the minis, commonly known across the Internet as Pocket Edward - PE - and Pocket Bella - PB. In fact, as PE is delighted to note, we have *TWO* PBs for our one studly PE.

I'm not sure how to say this... but... we also have Barbie-size 11-inch Twilight 'action dolls'. Or whatever the hell they're called. My Barbie Edward sparkles. Yes, it's true.

We like to pose the minis in compromising positions and then photograph them. This is starting to sound dirty!

Last year [see post on retro-blogging] we took them for a shopping spree at Penney's for Valentine's Day. We were basket cases. We chose Penney's in large part because a) they had suitably cheesy lingerie and b) the lingerie department was conveniently located near an exit for

speedy egress in the event that store security noticed us photographing two small dolls tucked in the bosoms of lingerie for sale. WEIRDOS!

There’s something about whipping out your dolls and camera in public that immediately leads to a feeling of being watched. We did the deed quickly and beat it right out that handy exit door. These photos are the fabulously juicy fruit of that excursion.

And they are also my gift to you, dear three readers, on Valentine's Day - after all, nothing says love like cheesy lingerie pics!

Retro-blogging. That's right, I started it.

I'm about to post some stuff I wrote a while ago. Or have been working on for a long time.

I’m the slowest blogger ever – I’m like the anti-blogger. In fact I think I just invented something, and it's called retro-blogging. If you’re supposed have a thought and then post it, well, I like to have a thought and then sit on it for a year.

Some of the stuff sucks [for me, hopefully not for you, my three dear readers]. I mean, hey, it was January, time to write some more about how much I miss my mom! Because guess what – you don’t get over the loss, motherfuckers!

Look, most of this stuff I put off posting because who *really* wants to write about their Botox-fueled vanity, their fear of their son dying, or their dead mom? It might make me cry and I FUCKING HATE that! I hate crying!

And then some of this stuff ... I have good intentions, but the milestone passes me by [see reference to slow blogging above] and then it would just seem silly. So in the spirit of retro-blogging, I bring you...

... last year's Valentine's Day! Just in time for this year's Valentine's Day! RIGHT ON, BITCHES!